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Jazz Karaoke

“It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine”. This is what I get for being too poor/cheap to afford cable. Instead of watching the Jazz take on the Spurs from the comfort of my couch, I’m here at Club Habits where it’s “Golden Mic Karaoke” night, otherwise known as “Desperate Forty-Somethings”. There are roughly 40 people in the house tonight. Some are here to drink and watch sports (Hello). Some are here for the opportunity to make a bad decision and wake up the next day feeling dirty. And some god bless them are here for the music. Up first is the guy wearing sunglasses (Since Habits is known for its blinding sunlight) who you know spent 15 minutes styling his hair with juuuust the right amount of gel. His opening sonata for this evening will be a My Chemical Romance song that from what I can tell has something to do with feelings, or love, or cutting oneself….. whatever Emo bands sing about. I would rather watch a tape loop of Shawn Marion’s jump shot for 3 hours than hear that again. Thank God for the opening tip.

First Quarter

The Jazz aren’t looking so bad thus far: Solid defense for the most part, and good execution on offense. Although Andrei should probably stop shooting from anywhere past 15 feet….ever (Seriously if Kirilenko and Marion’s jump shots were siblings, Andrei’s would be the slightly prettier, but still ugly younger sister). Say what you want about Boozer’s lack of defense over the years, but D-Will isn’t exactly shutting down opposing PG’s this season; Tony Parker is driving to the basket any time he wants so far. Speaking of getting to the basket whenever he wants, since when did Mehmet Okur develop a post game that went beyond the awkward step-back turnaround? A nice little 14-6 run closes the quarter for the Jazz and sees them up 32-22.

Second Quarter

Is that Michael McDonald getting ready to go onstage? Please be Yah Mo B There, please be Yah Mo B There! Oh wait. Damn. It’s not Mike Mc D….Just some older dude singing a ballad. I had panties ready to throw at him and everything. Alas. Where were we? Oh yeah, Carlos Boozer just scored 7 points in about 2 minutes, clearly this man is worthless (Millsap would have scored 20 on 6 half-court threes and a dunk from the 3-point line). Andrei misses again from 23, no surprise there, as I secretly willed him to miss for going against my earlier suggestion. Pretty good quarter for the Booz: 9 points, 5 boards, a block and a steal. Jazz maintain their 10 point lead going into the half.


Fez from That 70’s show feels the time has come for a little Godsmack. He’s having some difficulty with the lyrics, which is totally understandable, I mean it’s not like the lyrics are screening down on a teleprompter or anything. No no, I’d much rather listen to this than Charles Barkley making jokes. Again, I need cable.

3rd Quarter

Jazz doing a much better job at denying Parker dribble penetration. Tim Duncan (as my fantasy teams have come to know over the years) is secretly the worst free-throw shooter in the league. How does Shaq get killed for this every year while St. Duncan is allowed free reign to brick the paint off any rim he so desires? Meanwhile, Deron and Carlos have taken over this quarter; they are just peppering the Spurs with mid-range jumpers. Combined they have scored 24 of the teams 30 third quarter points. With 7 seconds left the Jazz come up with the sweetest play of the night: Deron with the ball at the top of the key drives, Carlos pretends to set a high screen before dropping down to just below the free throw line as he receives the entry pass from Williams. Without landing, Boozer turns and fires an overhead pass to Wes Matthews for a wide open corner three…splash! That is 27 out of 33 points that Boozer and Williams were directly involved in.

4th Quarter

The Jazz only score 6 points in the first 5 minutes of the quarter, which would be worrisome if the Spurs had Dirk Nowitzki, fortunately they don’t, and are also only able to manage 6 in 5 minutes. By the way the Jazz made a mistake passing on DeJuan Blair in this year’s draft, big mistake. The man grabs every rebound like it owes him money (big money, like Colombian drug cartel money). In 21 minutes he scores 14 points, grabs 9 boards (5 offensive) and blocks a shot. Of course he fell to the Spurs, that’s why they’re the Spurs, they’re like the New England Patriots of basketball.

Final Score
Jazz 113 Spurs 99

I’d comment further, but I haven’t heard someone attempt “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” yet, and quite frankly I don’t want to be around when that travesty occurs. Until next time.

Elliott Zgraggen


  1. THIS IS WAR!!!!!!
    I was going to stay out of your childish war against Paul and Andre, but you just had to talk S##t on my beautiful rendition of "I stand alone" (bless the talented song writing of GODSMACK.)
    1. Ya Andre is havin a bad year/years shooting from beyond the restricted area....but who else you looking to to take the shot? D-Will can't do it all, and there is no C.J. Miles to take the reigns (I just wish you could see my scowl at typing that over paid babies name)
    2. We let Duncan off the hook for missing Free throws because... HE IS EFFING TIMMY DUNCAN!! It can't be argued that he is a leaner, meaner, more versatile big man. Shaq has worn out his welcome in the N.B.A.. Its no longer the same league where all it takes to become a great player is a over active pituitary gland (ya.. Look it up) and a penchant for horrible superman tattoo's. He gets away with it because he does everything else to near perfection.
    3. Why is it that you made fun of everyone else in the room about singing, but as soon as the game wrapped up you were the first person to hop on the Karaoke stage clammoring to share your interpretation of "Candle in the Wind?"

    With that said my friend..... YOU JUST GOT SERVED!!!

  2. Well done! I like the game diary format!

  3. I think getting "SERVED" at a bar is a good thing. But not as good or, brutally honest and insightful as this article. No big surprise that the "boozer-hater" speak has died down with Carlos' steady play and Millsap being less effective than big Fes. Hey, is it just me, or does Fes actually warrant more minutes?... Hold on Dr. Coolbeans is walking over here with a cocktail and a chesseburger. (sip,)
    (refreshed "ahhhhh")
    Great. Now I just got SERVED!